No Romance Without Romance

I have to do a piece for Pride on Love and Romance by next week. The two words most likely to bring out the raging cynic in me. Having been single for three years, I would argue, that both of them m*therf*ckers is dead to rass.

My date count in three years is a grand total of two. TWO! I’ll be honest, my memory is not what it used to be, so it could have been more, but they must have been some boring sonofabitches if I can’t remember them.

Now I know it’s easy for me to sit here and act like my kaka don’t stink, like I’m all that and then some, and brothers ain’t right. But I know, that sometimes it’s just not your time. The moon and the stars don’t align, and Venus is not in your sign, and you just have to get over it and get on with life.

But what the hell am I going to write about on the subject of love and romance? Or Roman-antics as the Bobo Dread calls it. Personally I don’t go in for all that hearts and flowers shit. It makes my skin crawl. Romance to me is not a societal construct, as in, on Valentines Day, you should go to an overpriced restaurant, eat from a crappy set menu and gaze into each other’s bored eyes.

And as for those couples that say smugly ‘Oh, we don’t celebrate Valentines Day. We just stay at home. Together.’ Yeah, sure you do. But could your man go out on his jacks (alone) on Valentines Day? Could he go to a rave on Valentines weekend without your non-celebrating ass? Could your girl? I.Don’t. Fink. So. What you mean is, you don’t spend money on celebrating Valentine’s, but you still celebrate it all the same. It’s a day for people with partners to feel even more smug about the fact that they are not ‘out there’.

Don’t feel smug for too long though, remember Aleesha Dixon, the girl from Misteeq. She has just suffered a very public humiliation after finding out her husband was giving his West End co-star Javine, some extra ‘wuk’ after showtime. Apparently they were caught by Javine’s boyfriend, DJ KG, someone I know from back in the day. He must be screwing. Even more so because I ain’t never seen that mixed-race nigga with a black girl, or a near-black girl in all my life. Yeah, he blanked me long time ago. And no I ain’t bitter.

Anyway Suzie Wong says, ‘Don’t swear for your man’. Something tells me Aleesha did. ME! I never swear for my man. But I always tell them this. If you go out there, and get ‘lean’ or high, or happy that some piece of skirt is showing you some attention and your ego forms itself into a penis and you end up inside her, MAKE SURE you wear a condom. THEN, keep that shit to yourself, I am not interested in sharing your guilt. If it happens again, and becomes some sort of ‘love affair’ do the decent thing, LEAVE. or if you’re feeling really brave, tell me about it so I can make a decision about what I want to do.. After I have lost the plot, I will most probably decide to stay and torture your ass until YOU LEAVE, but not before I have rinsed your credit card, and pawned all your shit to buy myself a ticket to Jamaica to get over your cheating ass.

I digress.

What is Love and Romance? This is what I think romance is:
1. Taking the time to think about somewhere special to take your date. The local pub in Peckham High Street and a Wimpy Bar don’t mek it (both real examples of dates I have endured). The date is a reflection of you and your tastes. It doesn’t mean you have to pick the OXO Tower, but if your idea of haute cuisine is McDonalds, it’s safe to say I won’t find it romantic.
2. Having a meal cooked for me – I am an harassed single working mother of one exhausting child. I will suck dick for this. Guaranteed.
3. Romance is observing the basic rules of courtship. Boy meets girl, he asks girl out, or they agree to go out, they go for a meal or do something ‘fun’ together, and there is no dispute about who pays the fucking bill. He pays. There is no romance in my life right now. As no one can observe these simple rules.

What’s your idea of romance?