I'm experiencing way too many emotions at the moment. One of the side-effects of quitting smoking. After my run, I feel high, only to crash and start feeling tearful an hour later. Last night I got tearful watching some old video of Heaven 17 (can I just say YouTube is sick - I know I'm late).
I'd been watching this singer Beth Ditto sing a version of their song Temptation with Jarvis Cocker at the NME awards on YouTube. Beth Ditto is an American singer from a band called Gossip (I think), she's unashamedly BIG, and is seriously 'fierce'. This is a woman who puts the 'F' into fat. There are a lot of fat girls out there who could do with half an ounce of her confidence, and just from watching her perform I don't believe it is false confidence. For a start she's got a wicked soulful voice, she can really 'sang'. And tons of stage presence. Watch this space on that girl.
So as I watched the original version of Heaven 17 on Top of the Pops, I began to well up. This was the music I loved when I was a teen, Heaven 17, Human League, Depeche Mode, Adam and the Ants, Carly Simon, Scritti Politti, David Bowie. And now it was in an internet archive, like some dusty old file stored away to be accessed by sad old gits like me. *Sighs*. I was going to buy their greatest hits on iTunes but thought I'd ask my music geek mate at work first Irish Dave. We similar taste in music, except that he actually spends his money on it, whereas I only buy shoes.
He always tuts when I come back from lunch with a bag which obviously contains shoes, and I tut when he comes in with yet another bag of CDs...which I then get him to burn for me. Obviously this is a one-sided friendship. Of course he already owned the CD I wanted to buy.
I'm not really that interested in new music. Apart from Amy Winehouse (right Lois). The songs of my youth have more resonance for me. Provoking memories long buried, and rarely remembered. People, places, clothes, and events come rushing back. If I hear something like Run DMCs 'Sucker MCs' or Mantronix's 'Ladies', I start breakdancing and bodypoppin like I was 17 again. To my daughter's embarassment. OK, I could never breakdance, but I could uprock. And still can after a few vodkas, even in heels. If you don't get what I'm talking about. Listen to Chaka Khan's 'I Feel for You'. Now you get me right?
As I approach my 38th year, looking back and reminiscing about the 'old days' is becoming more and more a part of my life. A life, which in some ways,still feels like its barely begun. Not for want of trying. I've packed in quite a bit, but why do I still feel like I'm at the beginning? Why don't I feel like a grown-up yet? And do I even want to?
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3 comments:
Re: Amy, us Yanks are about to snatch her up into our big, swirling mass of fame, and it could get ugly. I only discovered her on PerezHilton six months or so back and by then it was laready the beginning of the end so I'm jealous of you guys having had her all to yourselves for so much longer.
As for the smokes. Bee, no one likes a quitter! Seriously, I still do battle with that addiction. My latest way to talk myself out of smoking is to think about how corporatins who make those cancer sticks manufacture them so that you stay addicted. Everything is measured out perfectly so that you become as hooked as possible. It's the ultimate, legal manipulation and dammit, I'm not into being controlled--well, not like that anyway. But even then, when my friend Rick was in town last week, I couldn't help but take a few puffs off his smoke (tres charming, after all this time, he still rolls his own!) for old time's sake.
Oh, hell.
It must be something in the air for us Aries, Butterfly. As my b-day approaches, I feel less and less like a grown responsible person. Then when I watch old school hip hop videos on you tube, I feel like time is fastly slipping and I cry too! I don't think it's the decrease of fags (are people still using that term?), it's definitely something in the air that's managed to cross the waters and affect the both of us! Missed your blog, man. Damn.
I am 37 and my ass can't seem to find the path that leads to grown folks-land.
I can't seem to do this growing up thing alone. I think I need a grown-up buddy to help me.
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