And then he kissed me

A rota fuck-up meant I got dragged into work on Sunday evening when my roast dinner was halfway done, and my hands were trying to make sense of Clarke's freshly-blow-dried afro. Not to mention the date I had to cancel. Yes. A date. Draw closer my friends. Yes, I started the new year with the prospect of a date. A first date. But sod's law, I had to fucking cancel it. 'I'm so sorry, I have to work'...while he's thinking, yeah likely story! Muy bad Cockoach Brown (yes - we have names for each other, mine is D-Nice).

It's quite funny, because even though I usually have one eye halfway-open for a potential prospect, when we were introduced, I barely noticed him. No, not because he is a butters - but because when we met I was more concerned with the big white security tag I still had stuck to the back of the new dress I was wearing. I came straight from work (where else), was slightly frazzled, and I'd been wearing a clingy blue shirt-dress, but had a 'butters moment' (fit of insecurity) about how big my bottom looked in it, so decided to go buy something big and tent-like to wear to Blacktronica.

He was with peeps I know and we were all talking. When he left to go to the bog (toilet), his friend says to me - 'he's a really nice guy and he's single' . I looked at the nigga as if to say 'do I look fucking desperate to you' and said 'how do you even know that I'm looking' (thinking fuck me - is it that fucking obvious?!?). 'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything....'it's okay, I am actually quite single' I said, climbing down off my high horse.

So when he came back, you know I looked at him properly. I looked at his clothes, nice. His shoes - dem mek it. Basically, there was nothing I could criticise. No fair. LOL. He kept buying me vodka tonics, and didn't wrinkle his face in disgust when I smoked (don't worry I've given up again since). He laughed at my jokes, and engaged me conversationally. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Anyway, last month on the flimsiest pretext of hooking up to go to this club Co-op, we swapped numbers. We had dinner beforehand at The Diner in Shoreditch, where I ate a burger and fries like I was in my living room, and his eating didn't put me off. Did I mention that I never like to go to restaurants on first dates, because if a man eats badly (like a hog) it will seriously put me off. I could be single lickle more, I can't knock boots with a man that eats like a monster.

Anyway, this really wasn't a date, so I really didn't even scrutinise him. In fact I don't think he scrutinised me either - he really didn't seem interested in me. You know sometimes you have a male friend, but you're not sure if you really fancy him, but then you sense that he's put you in the friend zone – You start to get vex. How dare he put me in the friend zone before I’ve made up my mind about him? Fucking cheek! (yes I like to be adored by people I don't even want - so sue me).

Anyway, it wasn’t really like that. He seems like a cool guy, and I just thought, cool, he’s a cool guy, we can be mates. But then he kissed me!