Talk To The Ass

My bottom has been a source of fascination for men long before anyone had ever heard of J-Lo. And yes, I am putting myself in that category, cos some of us was here long before she was. But I must agree, her ass is impressive.

I was 19, and a regular fixture on the hip-hop scene, flitting around lots of clubs which were populated by hungry teenage boys when I realised what an ass-et it was. My ass would get grabbed on a regs. All the time. Till I ended up becoming friends with the ass-grabbers just because that's just how I got to know them. I would of course ask them to refrain from doing it. I didn't like being touched up, but what had once been a source of embarassment - the bigness of the booty - I soon realised was in fact, a good thing where the opposite sex was concerned. So I stopped wrapping the jumpers around my waist.

But it's like women who have big breasts, sometimes men just talk to my ass, and they just can't wait for me to walk ahead of them so they can get a good look. Yesterday I was on my bike, and I stopped to talk to a friend. The first thing he said to me was "Wow, you have a big bottom" - with descriptive hand movement. This is hardly news to me. What the fuck happened to hello? Now this conversation could only happen with a black woman, cos I know some of my white sisters would be on some Project Ana(rexia) shit quicker than you could say Krispy Kreme. I know my ass is fat, but damn, can't a nigga keep it to himself! He emailed me today and said: " I was only joking?" Yeah right. How can it be a joke, if it's true? And also said I shouldn't go near any drawing pins (and that was a joke too). Whatever.

The other week, a hooded youth ran down the road after me and grabbed my ass. Yes. The man ran after me and grabbed the booty. The funny thing is I was wearing the same outfit both times (grey cotton puffball dress). Note to self: re-ebay. I was so shocked that all I could do was just stand there with my mouth open catching flies. I continued walking down the road, and then this stupid ass had started to follow me. I just said to him "you'd better not come near me again" and gave him my best 'don't fuck with the I' look.


Now I don't think my ass is all that, but with a little work I'm sure it could do battle with Buffie the Body, Melyssa Ford, and Ki-Toy Johnson (thanks for sharing the knowledge S). These are 'models' (LOL) that feature their 'talents' in the videos on MTV Base (never a truer word spoken). I know it's hard out there for a pimp, but had I known that I could just make a living out of having a big ole butt ten years ago maybe I could have just saved myself £6,000 debt in student loans and bought a ticket to the US to pimp my phat ass on MTV. "Go Butterfly, it's your birthday."

Someone complained that I bash men on my blog. I read plenty of blogs where sister's get called out for they're outre behaviour. Some of y'all are assholes, likewise some of us are assholes. It doesn't mean I don't love y'all still. If you want to read about how great y'all are 24/7 - write your own blog, and don't read mine. But on this blog, if mans don't know how to act I will expose their ass. Yagetme?

So this 'peenywarny'* man (LOL - one of Suzie Wong's phrases) comes up to me as I'm staring at the cakes in the window of Esca on Clapham High St. That's usually enough for me - I only go there once a year, on my birthday (yet I still have a fat ass). "Are you French?" he says. Recognition for the the effort I made to put on my high round-toe boots with my denim gaucho pants just to buy a birthday card in Clapham. 'No, I'm from London.' Why? "Because your style is kinda different." 'Okay, that's cool'. "Can I take your number?". I'd been talking to him for approximately two minutes, I was wearing heels, he was shorter than me, wearing a baseball cap, weighed less than me and looked like a hardcore weed smoker. "Sorry, I'm seeing someone." Freynights. Then here's his last ditch attempt to seal the deal: "Do you date men and women? You've just got this different vibe about you?". Oh, you mean the 'get the fuck out of my face vibe that I'm trying to transmit to you'? G'long with your stupid ass.


*small, lacking body, marga man.

Main pic: Buffie The Body