Trouble and Strife*

The 'Race Swap' programme is playing in the background as I blog. But a comment by the narrator screeched through my ears like chalk on a blackboard. The narrator said "Linford Christie's girlfriend of twenty-three years." TWENTY-THREE YEARS! WHAT THE FUCK??? Shame on you Linford Christie. The woman has three kids for him. THREE. That's three pregnancies of nine months each, three lots of gaining an extra two plus stone (she ain't lose the last lot of baby-fat either), three average 12 hour labours, plus 23 years of long-suffering service as his woman, an' 'im cyaan put a ring pon she finger! Not that I was ever a big Christie fan, ever since he tried to deny paternity of his first pickney dem. Twins. I know their mother, her family lived in the block opposite mine in White City. Lovely girl.

What is this? How you gonna be calling the mother of your children, your 'girlfriend' or no doubt 'wifey' that other honorary term which when translated means 'bitch I'm never ever going to marry', after 23 years. I just don't get it? Me, I refuse to have another child with any man that's not ready to put a ring on my finger. You better recognise. What is this mentality that it is easier to breed a child, and be connected to them and the mother for the rest of your life, but that marriage is something that needs long-term consideration? Personally, if you ain't ready to marry, what you having a child or three for? This is some topsy-turvy business going on. Okay, I may be one to talk, single parent and all, but for the record, Father of Clarke did ask me to marry him and was ready to make that committment, before the baby came along. The rest of that story is my business thank you very much. But you done know, in the last eleven years, I have not considered pushing out a baby for no man, that ain't ready to be a husband. Obviously Linford Christie's 'girlfriend' is happy with the way things are, but I think it's sad and is symptomatic of the laissez faire attitude in the black community to CO-MITT-MENT.

As one of my friends pointed out on Saturday, she has three sisters, between them there is seven children. Not one wedding has their mother bought a hat for yet. The youngest is 30 (no kids). Although I hate to sound like a member of the moral majority, I think you only have to look at the chaos that is reigning among young black kids, in particular West Indian kids, the under-achieving, the rudeness, the criminal activity to see that they are being failed by their lack of a strong family unit. The common-law couple ting ain't working. Yes, we know that many marriages are failing, but many of us are not even giving the pickney dem a fighting chance. Mothers are having to be 'daddy' to boys and girls, and it's not working. When the relationships break up, it's all too easy to just walk away with what you came in with. Too many fathers don't pay maintenance, don't do homework, and are not there for the Xmas play or to support mummy when things get on top.

As soon as I knew, aged 24, that I was pregnant, my first thought was, this man is going to be a part of my life for ever. But I knew, that whatever happened, he would remain a father to his child. And thank God, I was right. We put our issues to one side, and made sure that Clarke was the priority. And so she remains. Clarke's Dad has a key to my house, which he uses to let himself in when he comes over twice a week. I know one man, has five kids, three different mothers, no rings for either of them, but he supports his kids, not just financially, but equally as important emotionally.

What is this fear of marriage? And I am putting the majority of the blame on men, because I know that many of my sister's do want to get married. When I was on one of my ski-trips, this brother was telling us he had just got engaged, we all cooed. "How lovely, congratulations. How long have you been together?" "Twelve years." We looked at him like he was the sorriest motherfucker that ever existed, and then he told us that he didn't spend a month's salary on the ring. It was too much money. At which point we turned our backs and ignored his ass.

Of course, women need to shoulder some of the blame for putting up with these sorry-ass men, and breeding for them. Me? You're crazy. My last relationship ended because my ex wasn't ready. Fair enough. But I ain't keeping house, cooking food, or pushing out no babies for a man that's not ready to get me some bling - and it doesn't even have to be a motherfucking diamond! As my Nigerian mother says: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Black people, we need to put our house in order. There are just some things you can't blame pon da white man.

*Trouble and Strife is cockney rhyming slang for wife