Who You Callin' A Bitch

I write a column called Couchtalk for Pride Magazine. Pride is one of a just a few magazines for black women. It's been going for some time now and has launched the careers of a few distinguished writers such as Guardian columnist and radio host Amina Taylor, author Natasha Walters and me! This piece is in the current issue, and I would urge you to support the magazine, and let them know what you like and maybe what you don't. There's not many spaces where we get to talk about 'our' stuff, so it's important that we own them, and let the people in charge (editor Sherry Dixon) know whether we likey, or don't likey what we read.

Couchtalk

by Butterfly Jones

Who you calling a bitch? If you happen to be a member of the Big Brother house, that would be just about everyone. Wannabe dancehall queen Aisleyne (Ash-lean) was singled out by uber-bitch Grace as soon she entered the house speaking her peculiar brand of Blinglish. She was dubbed a ‘ghetto-ho’ for daring to utter ‘you get me’ and speaking with a suspect ‘sarf’ London accent. It has been called the bitchiest Big Brother house yet, and in Grace’s exit she said: “I know I bitch, what can I say, I’m a girl.”

The round robin of bitching which culminated in housemate Sam’s hissy fit was a classic schoolgirl bitchfest, one which many of us have either been on the receiving end of, or have participated in. The show’s shrinks dubbed it ‘informational warfare’ as the women competed for the scarce male specimens (sound familiar).

This kind of behaviour can be seen repeated in clubs, bars and barbecues up and down the land, overpopulated by women, all competing for that increasingly elusive mate. A visit to the club is a war zone of wombs, weaves, and unevenly distributed weight perched on stiletto heels. This breeds an insecurity and mistrust of women outside your immediate circle which is often sated by the discreet or oftentimes indiscreet bitch.

College lecturer Juliet Walker admits she is often on some Alexis Colby style bitching. “I think like a lot of women I can spend a lot of time scrutinising other women looking at their clothes, their shoes, and checking if they’re hair is real or not. I just can’t help it. God forbid I’m with my girlfriends, if we’re in the club and it’s a dry night, it can get really ugly.”

“If I’ve had a bit to drink, my tongue gets really loose, and I start making up names for guys, like ‘waistcoat’ or ‘bad shoes’. I mean, who wears a waistcoat to a club? You’re asking for people to cuss you!”

The ways in which women can cut each other down leaving a barely visible scar is something Sharon Sinclair has experienced firsthand. “I was at a party with some friends wearing a close-fitting dress. A woman I vaguely know through a mutual friend came up to me and said ‘You’ve got some hips on you’. At first, I was oblivious to the rudeness of this statement, and just laughed it off saying “yeah, childbearing hips”. Her cold response was ‘ow you know?’.

Most people when bitching, try to be discreet about it, choosing to ‘su-su su-su’ in friends ears, or use that favourite gossip’s weapon, the telephone. But there is the odd occasion when a good bitch, goes bad.

Public relations assistant Susan Palmer is more of an ‘incidental’ bitch, and had a moment while at a friend’s barbecue. “I was talking to a friend about another girl’s man. As you do. And I said, ‘don’t you think he looks like Bluto, you know, the big fat dude from Popeye’’. But she didn’t acknowledge me and was giving me this blank, glassy-eyed stare back. So I repeated it, but this time, I said it even louder. She still didn’t respond to what I was saying, and was looking off into the distance, over my shoulder, so I turned to look in the direction she was facing, and to my shame ‘Bluto’ and his girlfriend were standing right behind me. All I could say in my defence was ‘but he does look like Bluto’!

We all have a bitch now and then, but to see it daily in glorious technicolor on television exposes the ugly truth about women. We can be some spiteful daughters-of-bitches.