Happy Valentines Day

This freelance work couldn't come soon enough, if only to save me from what passes for my social life. The highlight of the weekend was seeing Suzie Wong get 'lean up' on house white at Etiquette. Me and Miche were wetting ourselves as Suzie let go of all inhibitions, throwing her head back and laughing, dancing with wild abandon, licking over the people dem drink, and openly displaying affection for her 'date'. Trust me, this is not a sight you will see on a 'regs'. She was a good natured drunk though, apart from when she grabbed Miche by the head for no apparent reason. I told her to 'firm it' as we walked through the crowd, and instinctively, despite five minutes earlier being floppier than a flaccid cock, she straightened up and sashayed quite soberly to the toilet. I only had to use the one arm to support her.

Thankfully Saturday was not a Valentine's ball, but there's no escaping it. Today I could barely get into a card shop to buy an engagement card for the Analyst due to the hordes crammed in to spend £5 on a cheesy card for their missus, man, paramour, or fuck buddy. I witnessed all the cliches in effect; the man in Sainsbury's buying a bunch of cheap roses, and another in La Senza clutching the tacky red knickers.

Suzie Wong was the first person I saw wear red knickers. Come to think of it she's the only person. We lived in a hostel together years ago, and I noticed her red knickers drying in the bathroom. I was incredulous. "You wear RED knickers". Up until then, I hadn't got beyond black or grey on the colour palette. Now I have turquoise...as well as the black and grey.

I could hate on Valentine's Day, but I don't. I think it's harmless, but of course like Christmas, some people like to go overboard about something which should be, if you're in love, a regular occurence. Letting your loved one know how special they are to you (excuse me while I vomit).

But I will hate on the people in relationships that say, 'oh we don't celebrate it, it's just a man-made celebration, you should be romantic every day' or some such bollocks. I bet if you ask them to go somewhere with you on VD (how appropriate) they wouldn't be able to. Go on, try it? Ask someone who says they're not celebrating, and see if they'll go bowling with you, or to the cinema. Trust me, you'll be going by yourself. When you're in a relationship, it don't matter if you're not celebrating it, you can't be with someone else on Valentine's Day. Relationship = Valentine's Lockdown.

Meanwhile, I'll be at home relaxing, happy in the knowledge that unlike most hooked-up people I won't be obliged to spend the evening not celebrating Valentines with my sleeping partner, who already knows how much I love him but wouldn't be at all happy if I decided to spend the evening doing something fun with someone else. And definitely not a male someone else. Even though we already decided we're not celebrating Valentines Day. Hypothetically speaking. Ya dig.